


Persevere

by pmastamonkmonk



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 17:24:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pmastamonkmonk/pseuds/pmastamonkmonk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can try and try but sometimes it's just not enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Persevere

“No.”

John took a step back from Sherlock as if an electric charge had gone through him, breaking the intimate air the moment had just held. The temperature around him seemed to plummet as his brows knit in confusion. 221B and Sherlock had never felt so unwelcoming.

“No? But, Sherlock, I thought…”

Sherlock scowled, “Thought what? That’d I’d be happy to share you? Treat you like a child in divorce, making a schedule with Mary and get you on odd weekends? Or what, you’ll stay after a case long enough for a shag and then head home to her?”

Shaking his head, John struggled for words.

“I will be your friend, John. I will put up with the fact that you will slowly stop coming on cases as Mary’s pregnancy continues, and accept that eventually I will be a passing fancy like your army friends… but I will not be your silver medal. I can’t believe you’d even ask that of me.”

“But you just said you’re in love with me.” John was confused even as a dark feeling of shame coursed through him. This wasn’t going how he thought it would at all. “Mary said she’s okay with it, we’ve discussed-“

“And I am very glad I was a part of these discussions. Oh wait, I wasn’t.” Sherlock’s expression was murderous. “You just thought I would go with it because I was accommodating with your wedding plans. Oh, poor Sherlock, now he’ll be all alone, he’ll take whatever John gives him as long as it’s attention. Do you really think so little of me?”

“N-no! Of course not. I just thought you’d be okay with an unconventional arrangement.”

Sherlock scoffed, finally turning his back. “Just go home. Pretend this conversation never happened. I’ll text you the next time Lestrade calls so you can tell me that you’re too busy to come along. Work, doctor’s appointments for Mary, whatever excuse you’ll use.”

John’s shoulders slumped. “I just… I don’t want that to happen to us, Sherlock, I just thought…” a sigh, “I don’t know what I thought.”

“You thought that sleeping with me on the odd day would make it more likely that I would accept your fading presence from my life. I understand how it goes, John. New baby. Too tired to come on cases, definitely can’t go on the dangerous ones. Can’t leave work early, we need the money for the new baby. Mary and I have a date tonight, finally found a sitter for the baby and no I won’t cancel those plans to come along. I hope you didn’t even consider that I’d sleep with Mary as well, in case you’ve not noticed, that’s not quite on.” Sherlock scoffed. “Sharing. As if you’ve ever seen me eager to share… just leave, already. I left your wedding early for a reason, and it wasn’t because I wanted to be your mistress.”

\--

Mary grinned, squirming in excitement as she heard the door open. She’d expected John to stay later, but Sherlock probably needed some time to come to terms with the fact that he could still be with him. This idea had been genius, though John had been wary at first, as though Mary had been testing him to see how he’d react to the idea.

Mary had never been a conventional person when it came to relationships. Monogamy had never really been her thing, however for John and his strict traditionalism she had been willing to make a compromise. When Sherlock had returned, she’d seen an opportunity.

John was clearly still in love with Sherlock and even a blind person could see just how much Sherlock loved John. Getting the two of them to realize that they could all be happy together would make the whole situation so much easier.

“So!” she smiled widely as John entered the room, “when’s the first date!”

Her smile fell when she saw John’s defeated expression. “There… uh, there won’t be one.”

“He said no?” her brow knit into a frown. “Why? Did you explain how it was going to work? That I was okay with it? John, what happened?”

He ran a hand through his air, unable to meet her gaze. “I told him how I felt and that I wanted to be with him and it seemed to be going really good… he… he loves me, too, which is good…” he let out a huff of breath, “but the second I said I’d still be with you, too, he shut down. Doesn’t want to be my ‘silver medal’.”

“He expected you to leave me?” 

John sighed. “He said he doesn’t want to be my mistress. He’s right… I mean, the way you explained it made sense to me, but he’s right. We’re married, Mary… no matter what, you and the baby are my priority, now. He’s…” he swallowed thickly as if it hurt to admit it, “he’s going to be second place.”

Mary stood, “John, no, that’s now how it was supposed to work. It was going to be equal-“

“How is it equal, Mary? You live with me. When the baby comes, that’s two people he’ll be going up against and… he’s been thinking about that for a long time, too. He’s expecting me to just stop being his friend because I’ll be too busy, and he’s… goddamnit, he’s right!” John threw himself onto the sofa, cradling his head in his hands. “I can’t be running off after criminals when you’re at home with a baby. What would happen to the two of you if something happened to me? Before it was easy because it was just me, but now there’s so much more to consider.” 

There was a long silence as John sat on the couch.

“Well… I’m not pregnant.”

His head shot up, staring at her in shock. 

Mary’s arms wrapped around her torso and she looked away. “I went to the clinic and had some blood work done… we got a false positive. Hormones, Doctor told me it was a hysterical pregnancy.” A shrug, “I guess it happens even when you’re not trying to convince yourself you’re knocked up. Sherlock’s been wrong before, right? He saw the signs just read them wrong.”

“When were you going to tell me?”

Shoulders hunching, she licked her lips. “Eventually. I… you were just so excited. I didn’t know how you’d react, I hoped that you and Sherlock would work out so you’d have something to distract you when I told you.”

John laughed incredulously, dragging his hand down his face before turning his gaze to the ceiling. “So no Sherlock and now no baby, either. This is just not my fucking day.” He forced himself to take a deep breath and stared up at Mary. “Anything else you want to tell me?”

“I’m sorry this didn’t work out for you, John… I wanted it to.”

John huffed, “Well, yeah, it was your idea to begin with. You encouraged me to tell him… why were you so invested in me getting together with Sherlock? Most wives wouldn’t want their husbands to be sleeping with other people.”

“Well, most husbands frown on their wives sleeping with other people if they’re not doing the same.” Mary sighed deeply, “I’m trying to make sure this works, John, I’ve not slept with anyone else since we’ve started dating because I knew you wouldn’t be okay with it… but with Sherlock, you seemed okay with an open relationship, and really that’s what I tend to be more comfortable with. I do love you, I just… it’s hard for me to stay with just one person. I really hoped this would work out because you’d be happy and I could have some flexibility, too.”

Mary resisted the urge to turn away as John stared at her, incredulous. “Have… you felt this way for very long?”

She ran a hand through her hair, shifting from foot to foot. “I mean… yes? I just… I know you’re very traditional and that it’s not something you’d readily accept so I didn’t bring it up. I swear I’ve been faithful this whole time, I broke it off with the other three when we made it official, but sometimes I just… I need more than one person.”

“You need… more than me.” John swallowed thickly, looking around the room for a moment while he ordered his thoughts. “Well now I understand what Sherlock was thinking when I asked him to do this for me.”

“It’s nothing against you, John, you’re perfect. I love you! I just… I can love more than one person at a time. You’re… you’ve been fantastic, it’s me who needs to change to make this work out.”

John huffed, “You shouldn’t have to change how you are to make this work, Mary. There’s nothing wrong with what you want, it’ll just take some adjusting to.” He smiled up at her. “I can be understanding, if that’s what you need then we just need to set up some ground rules.”

Her hands dropped to her sides and she gazed at him, dumbfounded. “Ground rules?”

“Like no shagging other people in our bed, that sort of thing.” He shrugged, trying for a lighthearted tone. It sounded a bit rough to his ears but Mary’s expression was changing into a smile. “Letting me know when you’re on dates. I mean… Sherlock may not be okay with it so it’ll just be friends for me and him, but I think you and me can work it out.”

\--

Sherlock took the news of the false pregnancy with a bit of a sulk – more about being incorrect than anything. “Women’s bodies can do that? Seems far too confusing.”

John laughed, “Well, that’s women for you.” He hesitated for a moment before reaching over and giving Sherlock’s hand a squeeze. “I’m sorry I put you in such an awkward position. I hope you understand that nothing will come between our friendship, Sherlock, and if that’s all you are willing to give me in this situation then that’s all I will ask for.”

Sherlock stared at John’s hand for a long moment before raising his gaze back to John’s face. “Apology accepted.”

\--

“So how many are there?”

John glanced up from his laptop, watching as Sherlock adjusted his violin under his chin. “How many what?”

Sherlock stared at him expectantly and John’s brow knit before an expression of clarity crossed it. “Oh. Dunno, told her not to tell me.”

“Not to tell you? Don’t you want to know?”

“Know how many other people are shagging my wife? Not really.” John clicked a few more keys pointedly. “One of the rules. She doesn’t tell me and I don’t ask.”

Sherlock made a noise of disgust. “Of all the things…” he raised his bow, “as if you weren’t good enough all on your own.”

John glanced up as Sherlock began to play and swallowed thickly. He’d been good enough for Sherlock all on his own, hadn’t he? But he’d ignored it all and now he was married with a night off from his wife as she was on a date.

Squaring his shoulders, he turned his attention back to the laptop before him and let Sherlock’s music play.

\--

John smiled across from Mary as they enjoyed a quiet dinner together. It had taken a bit of schedule finagling and luckily no cases had come up, but he and Mary could finally enjoy a night out.

“So then he says-“

A trill came from Mary’s purse and John paused in his story. She winced.

“Oh, do continue, you know how I love to hear about your cases.”

John stared at her purse for a moment before smiling as she failed to reach for her phone. “Well as I said, he goes on to-“

Another trill. And another right after. Then a ringtone playing.

Mary’s gaze went from him to the purse and back, an apologetic look on her face.

“Go ahead. Answer it.” He tried to keep his tone jovial, picking up his wine glass. “Must be important if they’re calling, after all.”

“Just a mo’…” Mary grabbed her purse and excused herself, heading off towards the restrooms. John stared down at his plate, leaning back in his chair as he remembered telling Sherlock not to contact him this evening.

The other man had stared at him for a long moment before smiling. “A date with your wife finally? Of course I’ll leave you to it, must be hard to get time alone together now.”

And true to his word he’d not heard a peep all day.

As the minutes passed he idly considered picking up his own phone and texting. Ask how Sherlock’s evening was going, if his experiments were on track, if anything good was on the telly.

He finished his glass of wine and waited for his wife to return, ignoring the happy glow on her face when she returned to her seat and the fact that he hadn’t been the one to cause it.

\--

John laughed as he and Sherlock walked down the sidewalk. Another case successfully solved and Sherlock was positively bursting with energy. He’d forgone a cab, declaring it too lovely a night to not walk as they decided on the cuisine of the evening.

“Hmm, Italian maybe? I do know a place other than Angelo’s that I’ve been meaning to show you. No pesky candles on the table to distract.”

“Oh, but the candles were the nicest touch,” John bumped his shoulder with Sherlock’s, pleased with the way the other man’s face lit up at the contact. “And he’s so accommodating with us. We always get the best table.”

“Yes, well-“ Sherlock suddenly stopped and John took a few more steps before turning. The other man’s face was closed, his eyes darting around across the road and John turned to look.

Oh.

His fists unconsciously clenched and he forced a jovial tone. “Ah. So that’s what one of them looks like.” 

The man sitting across from Mary was classically good looking. Dark skin and thick hair, a smile white enough to be seen from across the street. Both were dressed in a way that made it obvious it was a date, and their body language made it apparent this was not the first time... or that it would be ending at dinner.

Sherlock looked back at John, his expression grave. John huffed a small laugh, hoping it didn’t sound as bitter as he thought it did before turning back to his friend and forcing a wide grin.

“Good to know I’ve snagged someone who can still get blokes like that, eh? Now, about that Italian restaurant you wanted me to try…” he started walking again and after a few steps heard Sherlock continue behind him, his long strides easily meeting his own.

A long moment of silence. “As I was saying, I think a night at Angelo’s would do us some good… familiar and traditional.”

\--

Mary smiled, placing a plate of food down in front of him, chattering about some of the girls at the clinic and their gossip. All John heard was white noise as he focused on the love bite visible through her unbuttoned collar.

A love bite he had not given her. A fresh love bite no more than a few hours old. One she had to have received while he’d been at work.

She took the seat across from him, starting on her own plate, continuing on oblivious to John’s inattention. Who had given it to her? What else had they done? Where else did she have marks?

“John? John did you hear me?”

He shoved back from the table, rattling glasses and dishware as he stalked out of the room, fists clenching and unclenching. He heard Mary shriek, rising up after him.

“John, are you alright? What’s the matter?”

She stood in the doorway as John swallowed, breath shuddering out of him, arms moving as he tried to find a comfortable position before he just began to pace in front of the sofa.

“I can’t do this,” he ran a hand through his hair as he turned, “I can’t do this, not anymore. It’s driving me up a wall, Mary.”

“John, what on earth-“

“I just… the jealousy is making me crazy. I know I told you I didn’t want to know who or when but the not knowing… I just think up different situations and I just…” he stopped, hands on his hips and he tried to collect himself. “I just… I can’t do it anymore.”

Mary curled in on herself slightly, wincing. “I’m… John, I don’t know what you want me to do. Do you want me to stop seeing other people?”

“Yes. No. I… I can’t, I just…” John swallowed thickly. “I said I didn’t want you to change to make this work and I meant it, but I can’t sit here knowing you’re with other people, knowing that they’re touching you…” he trailed off, slumping down onto the sofa. “I can’t do it.”

Mary cautiously approached him, taking a seat on the cushion next to him. She kept a few inches of space between their bodies, folding her hands in her lap. “What do you want me to say? You know I love you, John… this is just…”

“How you are, I know.” John sighed, leaning back against the cushions and closing his eyes. “I thought I was okay with it… I wanted to be okay with it, I did.” 

“But you’re not.” Mary’s tone was defeated and she leaned forward, elbows balanced on her knees. “I was afraid of this.”

They sat in silence for a while, the sound of their breathing the only noise in the flat.

“So what do we do?” John asked, letting out a deep breath through his nose. 

“The sensible thing would be for me to… stop.” A ragged breath and Mary drummed her fingers on her knees. “I’ll just call them up and tell them. We can move past this.”

John looked at her. “Is that what you want?”

“It’s what you want, John… that’ll have to be good enough.”

John reached over, putting his hand over hers, squeezing softly. “I don’t think this is something I can ask you to compromise on, Mary… I can’t ask you to change who you are… but I don’t think this… it’s not going to work, is it?”

Mary took a shuddering breath before looking up to him with wet eyes. “No… I don’t think it is.”

\--

“John?”

John stared at Sherlock for a long moment, watching as the man’s eyes darted over him, making rapid fire deductions as to why he would show up unannounced on a Thursday night.

“Think I could stay here for the night?”

“Did… you and Mary have a fight?” Sherlock stepped aside to let John pass, watching as he took a seat in his chair.

A sigh, “Sort of. I just… I need to apologize to you again.”

Sherlock eyed him warily. “For what?”

“For asking you to… share me, as you put it. I finally understand exactly what I was asking of you and it was… it was unreasonable to ask you to go through that kind of hardship and I am sorry.” His voice was cracking, the very thought of Sherlock feeling the way he had in the past weeks was enough to make him want to vomit. 

“…Are you and Mary going to be okay?” Sherlock was keeping his distance, his tone hesitant as if he was unsure on how this conversation would continue.

John gave a short bark of laughter. “Separately? I think we’ll be fine... but our marriage is over.”

There was a long silence and John turned as Sherlock’s hand found his shoulder. “I am sorry. Truly.”

“It was inevitable. We wanted different things that we couldn’t give each other.” He glanced up at Sherlock before averting his gaze. “Still, uh… still have a place for me here?”

Sherlock stared at him for a long moment before his fingers tightened on John’s shoulder. “John… this will be your home as long as you require it, even if you are living somewhere else. Never think otherwise.”

His grip release and Sherlock made his way back to the window, gazing out onto the street below.

\--

Months passed by. John and Sherlock continued to go on cases and slowly their friendship returned to normal. John did, however, notice that Sherlock was very conscious about being close to John and made sure to keep a respectable distance between them at all times. He would walk around the kitchen table instead of sliding past him, put a mug onto the table instead of handing it to him directly, and no longer asked for John to retrieve things out of his pockets for him. 

John had tried to be subtle about it, going out his way to touch Sherlock on his own and never being told off for it, complimenting the other man on not only his brilliance but also his appearance, bringing him gifts… but sometimes tact and subtlety was unnecessary with Sherlock Holmes.

“Are you in love with me still?”

“Yes.”

John nodded, watching as Sherlock flipped another page in the newspaper he was reading. “Good. That’s… good.”

Sherlock hummed noncommittally.

“Because… me… uh, me too.”

A green gaze rose over the paper to look at him for a long moment before returning to the article he’d been scanning. “And what do you propose to do about it? You were rather clear before that it didn’t match up to your previous relationship. Has that changed?”

“Well… I’m divorced now.”

Another hum. “Silver medal looking good, I suppose.”

John scowled, “You are not my silver medal, Sherlock. I said I was sorry for asking you to share and you said you forgave me!”

“And yet despite how you felt, you were quite alright with just staying friends and remaining with your wife. John, it’s alright that you loved her more than me and the situation didn’t work out in your favor, but at least be honest with yourself about it.” Sherlock sniffed, pointedly flipping another page. “I’ve accepted it, you might as well.”

Ripping the paper out of Sherlock’s hands, John growled murderously. “Listen here, you git, I stayed with Mary because I’d married her and thought we were going to have a baby. It’s not that I loved her more than you, there were other factors.”

Sherlock glowered, “Ah yes, the baby. And when you realized there wasn’t going to be one, you still stayed. Hoping for one in the end despite the unconventional marriage arrangement? You were perfectly fine being my friend even as your wife went around fucking half of London, but now that she’s gone you want more?”

“I wanted more beforehand, but you told me no!”

“If you’d have left her back then, I wouldn’t have! You made your choice, John, and you chose Mary!” Sherlock’s voice cracked slightly. “What am I to think that now she’s gone and suddenly you want me again? I obviously wasn’t good enough then and now I’m only good enough because I’m the only option!”

John reeled back as if he’d been struck. “That’s… that’s how you really feel, isn’t it? That you weren’t good enough?” he reached forward before drawing his hand back, unsure if his touch would be welcome. “You’re… Sherlock, you’ve always been good enough for me. I didn’t even know you wanted me until that night… it… it was a lot to take in.”

Sherlock stared at him, mouth set in a grim line and shoulders tense. 

“This is always going to be there, isn’t it?” John’s own shoulders slumped in defeat. “No matter what, you’re always going to think I don’t love you as much as you love me… or that I’m going to leave if someone ‘better’ comes along. I’ve fucked everything up, haven’t I?”

Swallowing, Sherlock looked away for a moment. “I… would still have you. As long as it was just me until you were finished and you told me you were leaving… I would still have you. I will not stand for infidelity, but… I would take what you could give me in the meantime.”

“Sherlock, I would never… don’t say that as if I’m just using you as a means to an end. I love you, I really do.” He reached out and when he met no resistance, took Sherlock’s hands into his own. “I made a choice, and I have to live with that, but believe me when I say that you are not a consolation prize and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you.”

Sherlock stared at their joined hands for a long silent moment. John braced himself for another rejection, not sure how he would handle being in Sherlock’s position – being told he was loved but that the other simply couldn’t be with them. He’d stay, he knew that, and take whatever Sherlock would give him, knowing forever that it was a hole that he’d dug on his own… but damn would it hurt.

“If you must,” Sherlock voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, “I’ll let you try and convince me otherwise.” 

John beamed, his grip tightening on Sherlock’s fingers as he laced them with his own. He knew it wouldn’t be easy. There would be fights and accusations shouted in anger. Sherlock would take a very long time to accept that John was not leaving again, and John would have to work very hard to make sure Sherlock knew just how much he was loved. 

They would struggle, but John had no doubt in his mind that they would persevere.

**Author's Note:**

> There are a lot of Mary/John/Sherlock fics out there and while I am not super into polyamoury, I can respect that it is definitely a lifestyle choice that a lot of people partake in... but I feel that Sherlock would not be readily accepting of it. He's very possessive and jealous by nature, and while he is selfless to what John wants, I don't think he would manage to handle the relationship if he had to share John.
> 
> This is just my take on it. It's not meant to criticize any OT3 fics out there or that some people ship it, I just don't and wanted to write a fic with how I thought Sherlock and John would actually respond to the situation.


End file.
